so i was toying with the idea of writing something about biebloom (ie. bedlam starring justin bieber and orlando bloom) then i heard my former forever love leo “SUMMER OF MY LIFE” dicaprio was involved in the melee and thought yeah, probably oughta.

THEN the daily mail posted this amazingly helpful diagram and companion article illustrating how pretty much most of B-list hollywood (+ my former forever love leo “SUMMER OF MY LIFE” dicaprio- who defies limitation to a single hollywood hierarchy) can all be connected to miranda kerr’s Web of Doom.

so let’s unpack, ya’ll.

in extremely incredibly quick: in 2012, miranda kerr- a victoria’s secret model- was married to orlando bloom.

she worked a show. bieber was there. reportedly, they banged.

and, yes, he looked 12 and wore an ensemble from the imperial stormtrooper resort wear collection and she looked 35 and dressed like reese witherspoon’s stunt double in water for elephants– but they are, in real life, more age appropriate than they appear here.

if you’ve learned one thing from reading my work, surely it is that gossip about sex lives is impossible to prove. EXCEPT. i’m always banging on about the gossip re: the sex lives of dead people.

gossip re: the sex lives of live people is actually a whole other ballgame.

so the rumor has been, for some years, that miranda kerr hooked up with bieber in 2012. the rumor concurrent with that is that she also hooked up my former forever love leo “SUMMER OF MY LIFE” dicaprio, a rumor the daily mail article curiously doesn’t mention.

anyway, bloom and kerr separated last year and have been going about their lives.

which brings us to ibiza.

according to wikipedia: “Ibiza [p] is an island in the Mediterranean Sea, 79 kilometres off the coast of the city of Valencia, in eastern Spain. It is the third largest of the Balearic Islands, an autonomous community of Spain.”

it looks like this:

or this, if you’re kim kardashian…

or like this…

and all of hollywood is there right now.

for reals. basically every unmarried B to C-list hollywood person between ages 19-40 is there.

(btw, this is all vair vair hilair because i was recently at a party where everyone was going on about how old news ibiza was, that it was totally over and there was no need to go there anymore.)

for the record, my boyfriend adrien brody is 41 and he is not there despite being the very type of person who one would expect to be there because, well…

he was, of course, there last year on roberto cavalli’s yacht, which either supports the fact that this scene is stale or the fact that ibiza is something one ages out of at 40. OR it’s just an indicator that my boyfriend adrien brody’s not got to roberto cavalli’s yacht yet. time will tell.

so that’s where we are. and the gang’s all here.

srsly. it’s like that episode of scrubs where they had BOTH ed stevens AND noel crane. SO MANY STARS!!!!

the stars are here, as lance bass told ET, because they get paid a load of $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$s to be here. “celebs get paid when they go to these clubs,” bass explained. “some of these celebs probably get about $50,000 just to appear at a club and drink their liquor.”

which kind of makes you hate your life, no??

so what happened is this: something like 4 or 5 days ago (honestly, i’m too full of jackie dates to bother with this one), orly bloom was at a table with my former forever love leo “SUMMER OF MY LIFE” dicaprio and my love-to-hate/hate- to-love love- that MAVEN OF THE LONDON THEATAH– li.lo, the whole lot of them presumably getting paid to eat and drink their dinner.

fun game… try to imagine how that conversation might look…

fun times.

so the bieb comes over to say hi to leo.

then goes to shake bloom’s hand, but bloom ain’t having none of it.

and he hits him in the face.

there’s video. it’s deeply underwhelming but it’s here.

after bloom hit him, according to the daily mail, bieb  said, “say hi to miranda for me.” according to page six, he said, “she was good.”

according to bloom sources the taunt preceded the punch.

according to bieber sources, it came after.

choose your team.

in retaliation, bieber went home and posted this:

which he then took down only to put this up:

because KLASSY.

so this is pretty much what you’d expect out of bieber. it’s a bit less expected from bloom, but what the daily mail is referring to as “the bad blood” between the pair has been thickening in the last few months.

in april, bloom was photographed in an incriminating half-squat on a curb with bieber’s ex selena gomez.

reminding us that hollywood is, after all, a deeply incestuous place.

the daily mail‘s miranda kerr’s Web of Doom illustration establishes this pretty quickly through the most epic caption ever:

and you know i love me some daily mail captions, but that is seriously ridic. 300 words. that is the average length of a daily mail article, but here we get all those words in a caption trying to unpack the relationships between all the famous people currently in ibiza.

it’s like the worst/best ensemble drama ever. wherein bloom punches bieber whist li.lo laughs and my former forever love leo “SUMMER OF MY LIFE” dicaprio applauds.

you couldn’t script it better than that. like twin peaks, it’s a show revolving around a woman who isn’t even there, except focused on celebrity sexual one-upmanship instead of murder.

because kerr- the spider pulling the strings on this whole web- isn’t even in ibiza. nope, she’s in new york, lifting a page from the beyonce I’MA GIVE YOU BEAUTIFUL PICTURES ATTESTING TO THE SERENITY OF MY PRIVATE LIFE UNTIL THE DRAMA GOES AWAY playbook of crisis management and posting an anthropologie-esque pic of herself with her kid.

so there’s something deeply gross about all of this that i can’t quite get at. something about how it masquerades as chivalry, bloom’s hitting bieber. bieber had said something disrespectful about kerr and bloom hit him in a move to defend her honor. and so there’s a veneer of social acceptability to bloom’s act: he did what men, in situations where their woman’s honor has been impugned, are socially conditioned to do.

in the olden days, it would’ve looked like this:

today, it involves a pair of dudes paid for their presence on an island having a cat fight in a bar and passive-aggressively instagramming about it afterward.

all of which comes together to factualize the rumor that kerr slept with bieber.

before bloom hit bieber, it was just a rumor known by people who know gossip. now, it’s A Story. supported by plot twists and, per the mail, “a stellar line-up of celebrity players that could easily make up a cast for a Hollywood blockbuster.”

but within that, if we refused to be distracted by the amazing cast of characters, the image of leo “SUMMER OF MY LIFE” dicaprio applauding from the sidelines…

and li.lo laughing…

what it comes down to is bieber saying, “i had her.”

and bloom saying, “dude, she was mine.”

which, regardless of whether or not she’s there, is a shit way to treat a woman.