the briefest possible commentary on biebloom (a saga in which leo “SUMMER OF MY LIFE” dicaprio is, of course, involved)

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so i was toying with the idea of writing something about biebloom (ie. bedlam starring justin bieber and orlando bloom) then i heard my former forever love leo “SUMMER OF MY LIFE” dicaprio was involved in the melee and thought yeah, probably oughta.

THEN the daily mail posted this amazingly helpful diagram and companion article illustrating how pretty much most of B-list hollywood (+ my former forever love leo “SUMMER OF MY LIFE” dicaprio- who defies limitation to a single hollywood hierarchy) can all be connected to miranda kerr’s Web of Doom.

web of doom

so let’s unpack, ya’ll.

Continue reading →

an open letter to lindsay lohan on the occasion of the last three weeks having been a total trainwreck of stupid

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lilo ridic fur

dear lindsay lohan,

i’ve taken an accidental month-long blogging break in large part because there is just too much to take in. what with beiber’s meltdown in london, the DOC/mantel plastic bride/royal bodies smackdown, a piece i’ve been trying to write for months on celeb surgery, and then… THEN… [ominous drums] there is you. there is always you.

personally, i didn’t want to write about you, but then a friend’s mother told me i really needed to engage, so here goes.

li.lo, i can’t even look at you right now. Continue reading →

an open letter to lindsay lohan re: her continuing vehicular + cinematic terrorization of the public at-large, and/or the release of the promotional poster for the approaching trainwreck that is the lifetime movie “liz & dick”

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dear lindsay lohan,

(damn you look like joan collins!)

you hit a dude with your car.

and then you walked away.

and then you were arrested. Continue reading →

an open to lindsay lohan on the occasion of this, the upcoming leg of the trainwreck that is her 2012 comeback (ie. being cast w/ carlos irwin estevez in “scary movie 5”)

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dear li.lo,

it’s been awhile.

that’s not because you’ve been quiet or anything, because, i mean, when are you ever? no, no, you’ve been très très busy shopping and crashing katy perry’s party and getting yourself denounced by liz taylor’s family.

and i swear i thought you had another car wreck in there- because, really, has there been a single week since 2010 in which you have not wrecked your car?- but apparently not. my bad. (but wait. in the time that it’s taken me to write this, you did nearly kill a valet.) Continue reading →

an open letter to lindsay lohan re: the unstoppable trainwreck that is “liz and dick” (and the [inevitable] EPIC fur hat)

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dear lindsay lohan,

i mean, we knew this day would come.

not to sound smug but it was quite obvious from that get-go that somewhere in the never-ending saga of you filming the unstoppable trainwreck that is the lifetime movie “liz and dick”, you would be called upon to attempt to approximate one of the most glorious moments in fashion history. namely, this:

to be all joey russo for a moment: WHOA.  Continue reading →