dear lindsay lohan,

what the eff is up?

i know, i know. DRUGS.

no, no, no, you say, because you’re all clean now. to that i say, nuh uh.

but still. i don’t think drugs alone are responsible for this. you are twenty-freaking-five and, i kid you not, my first thought upon seeing this photograph from your one-on-one with matt lauer was…

DUDE. what the hell has happened to kim cattrall?

kim cattrall, li.lo. kim cattrall.

mind you, kim cattrall is an incredibly hot lady, but that is not my point (ps. what is happening here with your face = decidedly NOT hot). my point is that you are twenty-freaking-five. kim cattrall is fifty-freaking-six. she’s got 31 years on you. my whole lifetime stretches between your ages and yet i have just mistaken you for her.

kim cattrall owns her age, yes, and i think she owns it without having had a lot of work done like everyone else, which i applaud all around. but never should i ever have cause to look at your 25-year-old face and think i am looking at kim cattrall post-botched plastic surgery.

do you see how that should never ever be? why it would be worrisome? because it is appalling?

please, li.lo, get off the crack. bring back your real hair. for the love of god, don’t do that liz taylor lifetime movie. and leave your face alone.

love,
yours,
oline.