an open to lindsay lohan on the occasion of this, the upcoming leg of the trainwreck that is her 2012 comeback (ie. being cast w/ carlos irwin estevez in “scary movie 5”)

dear li.lo,

it’s been awhile.

that’s not because you’ve been quiet or anything, because, i mean, when are you ever? no, no, you’ve been très très busy shopping and crashing katy perry’s party and getting yourself denounced by liz taylor’s family.

and i swear i thought you had another car wreck in there- because, really, has there been a single week since 2010 in which you have not wrecked your car?- but apparently not. my bad. (but wait. in the time that it’s taken me to write this, you did nearly kill a valet.)

oh yeah, and you’re filming this horrible micro-budget semi-porn movie and the director likened you to rita hayworth. dear lindsay lohan, why must all of your directors liken you to amazing women from Old Hollywood? LIES! all of it. because, yeah, um… no.

so you’ve been around. i’ve just been taking a time-out.

but, BOOM. time-out over. here you are again.

in the latest installment of the ongoing trainwreck that is your 2012 comeback… SCARY MOVIE 5!

because being a part of the FIFTH installment of a spoof franchise is an excellent career move.

seriously, linds, i fear the railroad of filmic doom we’re all gonna have to endure starting in november. will there be premiers? merciful heavens, will you be giving interviews? when all this crap comes out, is it going to be, like, all li.lo all the time… a veritable smorgasbord of one-on-ones?

wait, it gets better. scary move 5 stars carlos irwin estevez, better known the world over as charlie freaking sheen.

oh, girl. there was a moment when i loved charlie sheen. around the time of the three musketeers with that bryan adams/rod stewart/sting song.

and the chase with kristy “buffy, the vampire slayer” swanson. remember that?

he had a gun, she had a horrible hat. it was awesome. you may not have even been born.

but then, those were the golden years. this circles back around to the great truth of The Boys You Love In Your Youth Will Always Let You Down.

why, god, why?

can you see this pairing, li.lo? yeah, you know you can. you know you wanna hit that. and that makes total absolute sense.

charlie sheen played out a nervous breakdown on national television and was put back on tv within the year. you have hit nearly the entire population of los angeles with your car and yet managed to hang onto your driver’s license.

we do not take addiction and mental health issues seriously in this country. not when it comes to “normal” people and especially not when it comes to stars. it seems unlikely that that’s about to change or that it will change in time to save you, but i hope it does.



(photographs:  terry richardson;  unknown/richardson; richardson;  

NBC; unknown;  NBC;  richardson)

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