dear lindsay lohan,

(damn you look like joan collins!)

you hit a dude with your car.

and then you walked away.

and then you were arrested.

omg, girl, this is totally the plot of a 90s movie of the week. kelly martin would star. liz would not approve.

how many active legal cases are you a part of right now, li.lo? there’s the jewelry theft, the outstanding bill with the marmont (which gaga may have helped you get forgiven?), your ongoing probation dramas from various violations circa 2006-2011. i think something may or may not have happened while you were in ATL filming scary movie 20 with charlie sheen as well.

so, yeah. you’ve been busy. but today wasn’t actually meant to be about your ongoing litigations. today was about the exciting unveiling of the promotional poster for liz & dick: the lifetime movie event of our times.

i will now give you my unedited, stream-of-consciousness thoughts…

1. the text seems important. i will transcribe it:

CONTROVERSIAL LOVE AFFAIRS DIAMONDS * PROVOCATIVE SCANDAL TABLOID FRONT PAGE CHILD STAR BEAUTIFUL * LEADING LADY * SEXY PAPARAZZI

2. wtf? that is maybe the worst free verse of all time.

3. what is up with the lifetime logo? is it a comma? is it a ying/yang? is it an “l” with a period? is it the deathstar?

4. the lifetime motto reads like a dare, doesn’t it? “your life. your time. are you really sure you want to waste it on this movie?” why, yes. yes, i do.

5. i am DEEPLY bothered by the fact that the red of li.lo’s fingernail polish clashes with the red of her paste-jewels.

6. li.lo’s obvious confusion about why she is on this poster perfectly captures my confusion about why she is in this film.

elizabeth is not amused.