in case you were in a turkey coma and missed it, THIS.

i was reading the guardian‘s report aloud to my mother as a spot of boxing day entertainment. it begins innocuously enough: “Man once known as Screech charged with possession of switchblade, carrying concealed weapon in Ozaukee County.”

and my mother said, why was he arrested for that?

it’s when you get to the  “alleged stabbing at a bar” and the charges of “felony second-degree recklessly endangering safety, disorderly conduct and carrying a concealed weapon” that his arrest becomes explicable.

i think it’s fairly safe to say at this point that screech has become the #1 embarrassment of bayside.

last spring, zack morris refrained from saying anything but his current co-star, travis from clueless, denounced screech (real name: dustin diamond, but then- if you’ve stuck with me this long- surely you already knew that) as a phoney because his sex tape wasn’t legit.

which it wasn’t.

EVERYTHING IS A LIE, ya’ll.

which brings us to the pièce de résistance in the guardian‘s report on screech’s “accidental stabbing” of someone in a wisconsin bar:

observations:

(1) when your claim to inculpability hinges upon the assertion that you’ve never used the term “douchenozzle,” your claim is shaky, at best.

(2) when the highlight of your recent roles is a star-turn alongside aaron carter- he of the (faked?) new kids on the block turf war– you maybe need to reevaluate your career.

(3) when, within a decade, you’ve been involved in a faked sex tape, a faked memoir, an accidental stabbing, and received the scorn of zack morris and travis from clueless, it is maybe time to reevaluate your life.

and while we’re here… because i can’t write about saved by the bell without getting this stuck in my head:

and lastly, how epic that when you google image search for “90s fabric”, it is like looking into a.c. slater’s closet.