(31 may 2011)

there’s a jackie relative who’s willing to talk to me. when we spoke on the phone last august, he said, well, you know, jackie loved parades and, as well as i think i know her, i did not know that.

i’ve not met with this man for a million reasons. because i didn’t have the money, i didn’t have the technology, i didn’t have any questions and i didn’t have the emotional wherewithal to arrange for a rental car in a city whose website explicitly warns that there is no available parking and it is stupid to drive.

but mostly i have not met with this man because there’s a fool voice in the back of my head that says that meeting with him would somehow expose the severity of my limitations. this is the same voice that says my work should unfold in a neat and tidy way, that all risks are inadvisable and standing still is by far for the best.

i’m fairly certain that voice is a vile bitch.

because neat and tidy isn’t the answer. quite often you have to make a big old mess.

if you know exactly what you’re doing, where you’re headed and how, you will likely get there, but you might also miss out. because it’s by taking the risks and the paths you never planned to go down that you wind up doing the really really interesting things. the things beyond what you can dream.

there’s a jackie relative who’s willing to talk to me. i’m likely imperilling his life by admitting it, but, all these months later, i am finally ready for him.