BREAKING NEWS: emergency thoughts re: tom cruise, celebristar (ie. ouch, mine eyes/heart; the men you love in your youth will always let you down)

Posted on by

there was a time when i loved tom cruise. (confession: just looking into his velvety eyes right there, i’m more than  a little in love with him now.)

mind you, i like my men a little wrecked and my celebrity crushes have always, accordingly, been suspect. odds are i was the only 14-year-old with a scrapbook dedicated to matthew modine, isaac mizrahi and michael hutchence. not that i ever told anyone. that crushing was top secret.

tom cruise was legit, mainstream. a celebrity i could share with all my friends because he was safe, sturdy, and conventionally good-looking. he seemed like a beautiful man with whom my younger self could’ve had a very happy, totally fictitious, very public life (while i secretly bitched to isaac mizrahi and romanced matthew modine and michael hutchence on the side).

this was way back. like, in the before times.

before the internet. before rosie o’donnell was a lesbian. before katie holmes and oprah’s couch.

these were the good old days. remember those? Continue reading →

biographers love to talk about process

Posted on by

in 8 days, i leave for paris. in 14 days, i will be delivering a paper, the title of which contains the following words (presented here in no order): “adventure”, “stardom”, “tabloid”, “feminism”, “narrative”, journey”, “the NEW woman”, “via”, “jackie onassis”.

i know, i know. you’re buying your tickets to paris pronto. you’re there with bells. because this adventure stardom tabloid feminism narrative journey NEW woman train is obviously something you do not want to miss. you want to ride that, am i right?

man, i will give it to you. because, for all the years i’ve been speaking about sex toboggans, for the first time i have legitimately steered mine down a perilous run. paper-wise. Continue reading →

reality vs. reelz: reflections on “the kennedys,” an “8-part epic movie event,” one year out

Posted on by

yeah, i’m 365 days late, but it takes time to collect one’s thoughts re: epic 8-part movie events. i’m collected now. let’s do this.

in case you’re unsure how to interpret the phrase “8-part movie event,” allow me. the kennedys is a really long oliver stone movie cut up into 8 pieces and put on tv. by which i mean that what it’s lacking in the acting and dialogue it more than makes up for in the accents and the paternal/fraternal/maternal crazy. Continue reading →

merde

Posted on by

in 52 days, i’m presenting a paper that i’ve not yet begun to write.

my proposed title contains the following words (presented here in no order): “adventure”, “stardom”, “tabloid”, “feminism”, “narrative”, journey”, “the NEW woman”, “via”, “jackie onassis”.

it contains not one but TWO colons. Continue reading →

kim kardashian <3 kanye: hysteria and the acceleration of "real" time in the Ro(Faux?)mance of The Century

Posted on by

kim kardashian and kanye. (“kimye” if you’re into portmanteau.)

this all went down last thursday. in, like, the blink of an eye. it promptly bulldozed into my google reader and has yielded an unrelenting deluge ever since so- in case you blinked or were away for easter weekend actually living your life- let’s take a look at the epicness that has been unfolding.

(sidenote: i resent the fact that i find myself wanting to write about kim kardashian and am annoyed that she keeps handing me these situations tailor-made for thoughtful undergraduate investigation in General Celebrity Studies 101. oh, and on a technical note, in the interest of brevity i’ve resisted the urge to cushion every.single.word with an “allegedly” so, though that’s absent here, know that allegedness is implicit throughout. as you were…)

game on. for real.

we know it’s for real because he has written a song about her entitled “theraflu” and in rap, fyi, references to influenza remedies = TRUE LOVE. Continue reading →

and you will be watching “easter parade” this weekend, yes?

Posted on by

as a child, i was a super awesome gay man. i loved me some judy garland and figure skating and musicals and, omg, would that there had been a judy garland figure skating musical, i would have been all over that. this may go some way in explaining my fervency that everyone watch easter parade this weekend. it is, after all, the happiest musical ever made.

i should warn you: my fervency knows no bounds and it was only heightened by the image search necessitated by this post. seriously. WATCH IT. Continue reading →

a quick recounting of the epic war of words between kim kardashian and jon hamm re: the issue of celebrity in america

Posted on by

for those of you not glued to the gossip sites 24/7, have no fear! i’ve got your back. pour vous: a breakdown of The Greatest Celebrity Showdown of Our Time (For Right Now)™©®¥™™…

here are our players:

jon hamm– beloved actor who stars on a little show called mad men. he is pretty and has single-handedly made old fashioneds hip.

kim kardashian– paris hilton’s estranged BFF and a sex tape star, KK is famous for her butt (which may or may not be fake) and her failed marriage (which may or may not have been real). Continue reading →